My research through my dear friend Google tells me that miscarriage occurs in close to 50-70% of all pregnancies.

50-70% of pregnancies! It took me awhile to wrap my head around that number. It made me feel a bit relieved but at the same time makes me scared. 4 out of 5 of my pregnancies has ended in miscarriage. I currently hold an average of 80%. Now- I always strive to be an 80%-90% student but this is one area that I would love to be failing in.

At the beginning of my journey into parenthood I was naive. I knew what miscarriage was but felt invincible. It won’t happen to me- I’m not one of those girls.

Little did I know how common it was.

My first miscarriage hit me hard. I was so excited about being pregnant I had told a few people as I could just NOT hide it! I was about 6-7 weeks pregnant when it happened. My world came crashing down. I had to un-tell people. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do- and something I could not do without crying. But through this journey I came to realize how many others had experienced the same. The stories finally came out. It was like I was now invited into a secret club. A club filled with tears and horror stories, but a club of women who experienced what I had.

My second one was like dejavu. The third was like nightmare. Pregnancy number 4 out of 5. My rainbow baby- beautiful smart little man. The love of my life- made it all seem like a bad dream. He is my rainbow baby- my beautiful rainbow at the end of my storm…

Number 5 has been by far the worst. Emotionally and mentally it definitely did not get any easier!

Although it was painful to experience and painful to hear others experiences -I grew stronger. I got myself out of bed every morning and got to work and most days I made it through the day with out crying in front of people.

Some days are harder than other- a friend announces their pregnancy, a baby is born and pictures are posted all over facebook, someone comments on how awesome it is to feel their baby move, I see a baby wearing the outfit I had bought my future child, I find the “what to expect” book in my nightstand, the pregnancy test is found in the bathroom cabinet, every time I look in the mirror I see the few pounds I had gained to heat and protect my baby….
The reminders are everywhere.

I’m not going to lie or sugar coat it-my miscarriages have been the hardest things I have ever had to go though. And no it does not get easier with each one or over time. Each one has brought out new feelings, new sadness, new anger- it was all new to me. They were all painful mentally, physically, emotionally, and socially.

I will never get over them or forget them. They were the babies I never got to hold and will never get to hold- but they will forever hold my heart.

I hope this gives you the strength to tell others about your experience. Stop the Stigma. Miscarriage is common and we should not be experiencing it alone.

(The upside to all of this for me. Pregnancy number 4 out of 5. My rainbow baby- beautiful smart little man. Now if only we could promote him to big brother 🙁 )

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