To wrap up infertility week I’ve included my most recent emotional journey through infertility. I went to the local Baby expo the other day with my little guy. We saw everything and were heading out the door when my little guy heard a baby cry and said “baby? baby momma?” I walked to my car with tears streaming down my face. Oh how I want that to be my baby. O how I longed to have a baby. Oh how I wished this pregnancy would have worked out. Oh I’m pregnant. I’m 10 weeks pregnant- with a baby that grew too slow and only measured the size of a 7 week old fetus when it was supposed to be 9 week- with no heart beat. My baby has passed on. She (I cannot bring myself to name her seeing as I will never meet her, but I do feel she was a girl) was not strong enough to make it. But she still rests in me. It’s the weirdest feeling ever. My first 3 miscarriages all happened on their own. This one has not. I am having what is called a missed miscarriage. My body still thinks I am pregnant and is still providing for my baby even though her heart is not beating. I feel like I’m holding on to it. Like my body does not want it to go because my mind has not come to terms with the situation yet. But there is nothing I can do. I await my call from a specialist to see what to do next. I go for blood work every 48 hours to make sure my levels are going down but no infection is present… And everyday I cry because I will never get to hold her or kiss her. The small being that means so much to me will likely be scraped away from me in a medical procedure in which she will be deemed to be medical waste. My baby. My hopes and dreams. Labeled as waste. She is not waste to me. It’s been a rough few weeks coming to terms with all of this. My emotions have been running wild. My little guy repeats “Mommy sad” frequently and has been full of kisses and cuddles- which help to brighten my day. BUT nothing has made this better. Nothing will make this better. Soon it will be time to say goodbye to my little girl- but she will never be forgotten. The upside of this all is that I’m now finally being referred and tested for infertility to figure out why this keeps happening. My journey is not over yet and I do not look forward to being poked and tested and appointments and waiting. I do however look forward to getting answers- good or bad. I’m THINK I’m ready for them. To end the week: b611f91b730554418701048f94bbec94

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